I Was Unhappy. But Why?
Happiness is not the same as pleasure. We know when we are not happy. Happiness literature says that you should be satisfied if you are financially secure, have good health, have good relationships, and do good deeds for others. I had all these, but I was not happy. I wanted to find out why. Neuroscientists Dean Burnett and Antonio Damasio opened an avenue for me to investigate. Happiness is an emotion, they said. Emotions such as anger, disgust, fear, sadness, surprise or love, joy, awe, and optimism have both a physical component (sensations) and a mental component. We feel emotions in our body, and the mind conjures up a response.
Emotions are like gauges on a dashboard. They indicate the state of our well-being.
Negative emotions flash red warning signs that we have lost control, and the ego owns our mind and body, playing havoc with our peace of mind. I have seen this in me; when I get angry, I lose control. It is as if I am possessed.
From Eckhart Tolle’s book “The Power of Now” [1]and Byron Katie’s “Loving What is[2],” I learned how to see negative emotions as canaries in a coal mine; they alert me to patterns of thought that are toxic. Emotions get their energy from the patterns of thought. Thoughts usually dredge up issues from the past that have caused pain. Thinking powers and sustains negative feelings. Thoughts give feelings momentum and keep the cycle going. For some, this cycle of negativity is addictive and hard to break.
My big lesson was that happiness results from internal harmony. It was not happiness that I was after. It was peace of mind. I had to discover all that was in me that disturbed my peace. My anger, jealousy, hatred, envy, and negativity originated in a perceived attack on who I thought I was. My peace of mind and happiness depended on learning to excise my demons.
I learned a specific process for dealing with negative emotions and eventually excising them. The process has three main steps: the first is to acknowledge the emotion, the second is to become aware of the sensations in the body and the feelings associated with the sentiment, and the third is to observe the thoughts accompanying the emotion.
Dr. Dan Seigel calls this approach “Name it to tame it;”[3]it is a powerful technique to remove emotional baggage. But it takes practice.
I liken the process to learning to play the game of golf. Every detail in a golf swing matters. Your ability to keep an eye on the ball, stance, backswing, shoulder turn, ball contact, and follow-through matters. Every step must be executed precisely; this takes practice. Similarly, to master one’s emotions, one has to practice each step every time, almost mechanistically.
I have developed an iPhone app called “Witness App,” [4]The app has helped me manage my emotions. Soon after an emotional outburst, I use the app to record “my current state” — 1) bodily sensations, 2) feelings, and 3) the thought process. Observing all three takes the energy out of the feeling; it is like letting air out of a balloon.
When life events happen to me that in the past would have made me angry or brought out negativity in me, they no longer upset me. Negative emotions no longer control me most of the time. Over time, fewer and fewer life events I have noticed disturb my equanimity. I am more at peace with myself. And I know why.
Byron Katie’s “Loving What Is” has taught me that most of our negativity and unease comes from one thing, which is our inability to accept life as it is. We want to mold life into what we wish it to be. The gap between “what is” and what we want it to be is at the root of most of our unhappiness.
I have learned that loving “what is” is the path to happiness.
Rumi[5]
“Full of yourself –
a friend’s touch is sharp as a thorn.
A buzzing fly drives you mad.”
“Melt yourself,
and winter’s frozen meadows
will become spring’s fragrant field.”
[2] https://thework.com/loving-what-is-revised-edition/
[3] https://mindfulness.com/mindful-living/name-it-to-tame-it
[4] https://www.appsheet.com/start/098ece91-66dd-47fd-88a1-fde18299a92c
[5] Gold Rumi translated by Haleh Liza Gafori
