Who Am I?

Who are you? Said the Caterpillar. Alice[1] replied rather shyly, “I — I hardly know, Sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.”

Before I discovered who I was, I felt like Alice in Wonderland. I was a chameleon, changing the guise depending on the circumstance. But now I know who I am. I must confess, though, that I often forget who I am.

But who am I? We, humans, have the unique capacity for self-reflection. We can think about thinking. We don’t stop to think about how unique this is and what it means to have this ability. Think about this for a minute. It means that I can spy on myself. I can watch my thoughts as they form in my mind. You, too, can watch your thoughts. So, who is the watcher? And, who is being watched?

I read books by leading psychiatrists, neuroscientists, philosophers, New Age gurus, the Bible, and the Vedas. The first book that made me think differently was “Be. Here. Now” [2] by Ram Dass. I hop-scotched between science, psychology, neuroscience, and eastern philosophy. I read books such as “Self Comes to Mind” [3] by neuroscientist Antonio Damasio, “Phantoms in the Brain[4]” by V.S. Ramachandran, and “The Man who mistook his wife for a hat[5]” by Oliver Sachs. I also read “Who Am I” by Ramana Maharishi. And I listened to talks by Jiddu Krishnamurti15. I must have read over one hundred books along these lines. These books made me think differently about who I might be. I would read and reflect. Then, read some more. I took up meditation. I had no teacher or guru. I taught myself to meditate. I would meditate, contemplate and inquire, reflect and explore. I had a process. Read, meditate, contemplate, reflect and repeat. I made progress; what I was discovering amazed and fascinated me. It would be an understatement to say that it blew my mind.

I discovered that there are two “I” s or two of me. One “I” can watch the other “I.” I knew intimately the “I” that was being watched. I knew it to be me. It was whom I thought was me. The “I” that was doing the watching was new to me; this is where my newfound knowledge got interesting. I learned that the “I” that did the watching was the real me. The other “I” is an impostor. The “I” that I thought was me is an impostor. The Silent Witness[6], the one doing the watching, is my authentic self, I learned. It is who I am.

Learning that there is a “real me” and an “impostor” was a profound insight. It has changed me. Knowing who I believed to be me was the impostor was an awakening for me. This impostor is my ego. I am not my ego.

It was freeing not to have to keep feeding my ego. It takes much energy to hold on to one’s self-image. Letting go of it was a relief for me. I was free to be who I am. It is freeing not to pretend to be someone I am not.

In the language of Silicon Valley, getting to know the real me has been transformational and disruptive. I am not who I was. I get to reinvent myself. I am at peace with myself, and my life is on a new trajectory.

Rumi [7]

“When I am. I am not.

When I am not. I am”

[1] Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

[2] https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/23/obituaries/baba-ram-dass-richard-alpert-dead.html

[3] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvwM6EINGZA

[4] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phantoms_in_the_Brain

[5] https://www.amazon.com/Man-Who-Mistook-His-Wife/dp/1491514078

[6] https://www.deepakchopra.com/articles/silent-witness/

[7] Rumi translated by Haleh Liza Gafori